usxuk | [fic] the art of subterfuge & espionage [1/?]

Title: The Art of Subterfuge & Espionage
Genre: Adventure, Action, Humour
Pairing(s): USxUK, may show others
Rating/Warnings: T to be safe; swearing, mostly.
Prompt: 92 - Adventuring - either AU or canonverse, a short action scene or a pic of some adventure action. They can be in an established relationship, or going in that direction, so that it's clear they do care about each other and want to keep the other safe.
Summary: In which Arthur Kirkland and Alfred F. Jones are special agents for reasons that have nothing to do with their success rate or their excellent teamwork.

A/N: This was supposed to be a one-shot FMA AU that turned into a D.Gray-Man AU that turned into a weird mix of something supposedly James Bond + X-Men: First Class inspired. ;_; This isn't beta-ed since it's kind of rushed, and I'll be posting this as the one-shot it's supposed to be (beta-ed and all~) when I'm done in the main APH comm and FF.net. For the meantime, I hope you enjoy this fic!

Edit: I changed some things and added other stuff too.

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"Are you ready yet?"

"Wait! I'm nearly done," the woman yelled through the door as she grabbed a small purse that sat on top of her desk, shoving in a number of gadgets and items into it as if the bag had a miniature black hole within it. (Which, it probably did. The Tech department was awesome like that.) She could hear Arthur tapping his foot impatiently as he waited for her just right outside her room.

"Hurry up! The party starts at eight!"

"Yeah, yeah," She mumbled to herself as she reached for a small pouch on top of her dresser and took out a vial filled with clear liquid, slipping it into a hidden pocket in her purse. She looked into the mirror, her gaze shifting from her reflection to the glossy photograph stuck to the corner of her mirror then back to herself and grinned. She looked exactly the same—perfect, and so with a flip of her hair over her shoulder, she turned on her heel and swung the door open to find Arthur rereading their mission packet from Ludwig.

"Hey handsome,"

Arthur looked up from the wad of papers in his hand and was met with the sight of a blonde haired beauty with icy blue eyes wearing a long, white strapless evening gown. His eyes widened slightly as the lady in front of him leaned against the doorframe, placing one hand on her hip and a coy smile appearing on her face. “Like what you see, hmm?”

Arthur merely stared at her until the smile on her face began to feel forced. Damn, she must’ve missed something earlier while she was fixing her form. Maybe she shouldn’t have spent so much time fixing her boobs- man, they were hard. Arthur would probably tell her off for not paying enough attention to the details and all that jazz, and then point out what’s wrong with her. He’d know; after all, he was the one who chose this for her. Anyway, it’s not like she does this often seeing that it’s usually Feliks they used for missions like this. With that in mind, where the hell is Feliks?

“Well?”

“I think that your breasts should be smaller.” Arthur said as he straightened himself up. “Those look unnaturally large. Almost as if you had someone surgically attach balloons to your chest.”

The blonde scowled as she shut the door behind her. “Do you know how long it took for me to get the right size of these things?” she said pointing at her right breast, her finger poking it. “I was in the bathroom for about an hour trying to get them to look like the woman’s in the picture you guys picked for me as my cover.”

“Oh, so she had balloons then? Very well, carry on.”

“Shut up,” she said then giving Arthur a pointed look, she folded her arms over her chest. “What’s wrong with ‘em, anyway? I think they look fi-“

“No, they look obscene.” The woman raised an eyebrow, staring at Arthur, waiting for him to continue. When he didn’t, she smiled at him as if she knew his little secret, nudging him at the side with her elbow. “Come on, man, you don’t have to pretend that you’ve got a stick up your ass as usual. I mean, Matthias said you were the one who picked this so chill and enjoy the view, yeah?”

“I’m not pretending,” snapped Arthur. “And for your information, it was that pervert Francis who chose your disguise.” He sighed, turning away. “Anyway, make them smaller. I don’t want to spend the night trying to fend off any unwanted morons who’ll be drooling after you when we should be doing our jobs instead.”

She stared at him for a few moments before a huge smile spread on her face. Clinging onto his arm, she cooed, ““Aww~ I didn’t know you cared about my virtue, Artie!”

Arthur blushed as he felt her press her soft chest against his arm.

“Don’t call me that, and let go of me!” He said, trying to pull his arm out of her grasp. She was still pretty strong despite her current form. Grinning, she let go of Arthur suddenly, causing him to hit the wall behind him with a soft thud. She then morphed her breasts into a smaller size. “There. Better?”

“Better. Here, read these.” said Arthur as he rubbed his shoulder. He handed over to her some of the files he was reading earlier. “Those have the updated floor plans of the club so memorize them along the way.”

“More things to remember?” she said, flipping through the pages as she shifted into her original form. Arthur glared at his partner. “Oi! Change back, you dolt! We don’t have time to stop by the loo later for you to fix yourself up again.”

Alfred waved his hand dismissively. “Whatever, man. I already memorized every little detail of the chick’s form so I’ll just change back to her in the car when we’re near the place. I mean, I just wanted you to see how I’d look. Pretty awesome, right?”

“Yes, yes, you looked wonderful so please change back now.” Arthur said, swiping his access card on the scanner. The doors of the elevator slid open, allowing the two of them to enter. Alfred pressed the lower basement button as the doors closed.

“Later,” Alfred said.

“Do it now, while we’re still here!”

“But I don’t want to!” protested Alfred. Arthur stared at him, disbelief and disdain written all over his face. “And may I ask why not?”

“Because… uh…”

“Yes, go on,” Arthur looked at him expectantly.

“Because… I- It feels weird being a girl!” said Alfred. Arthur felt torn between punching the idiot and burying his face in his hands right that moment.

“I’m pretty sure it’s because you’re a bloke, Alfred. Not a wo-“

“But it feels like I’m experiencing PMS every time I’m one!”

“Oh, really?” Arthur folded his arms over his chest and tilted his head a little to the side. “You’ve never even had PMS before. How would you know what it feels like, hmm?”

“Well, that is- my- uh.. womanly instincts!”

...what.

Alfred grinned as he continued. “They’re kind of like your imaginary friends except they’re my womanly instincts and I don’t talk to myself out loud like some peace-loving hippie on crack, yeah?”

“They’re real, you git!” yelled Arthur, exasperated. “Just because you can’t see them doesn’t mean they don’t exist. Plus, what you just said right now made absolutely no sense at all.”

He paused for a moment before adding, “And I’m neither a hippie nor on crack.”

“Didn’t say you were, but whatever.” Alfred placed his arm over Arthur’s shoulders. “It’s okay, old man. I’m here so you don’t have to keep making up some friends just because you don’t have any aside from me!”

Arthur spluttered indignantly, pulling himself away from him. “I do have friends, you arse!”

“Sure, ya do~”

“Why I ought to-“

“Anyway,” Alfred examined the drawings in his hand, swiftly changing the topic. “The place got renovated again?”

Arthur nodded, glad to be finally getting back to the business at hand. “Just last week, actually. The Intelligence department had a hard time obtaining the floor plans in time for tonight’s mission.” Alfred shook his head, the lift coming to a halt and its doors opening. “Man, the guy’s rich. Isn’t this like the fifth time he’s had an Extreme Makeover?”

“Seventh time,” corrected Arthur as they both exited the lift and made their way to their car, a sleek, black Aston Martin. Alfred whistled as they approached the vehicle. He ran his hand over the hood of the car, admiring it. “Whoa… How’d the Bureau get such a sweet ride like this?”

“Actually,” Arthur smirked, taking the keys from his pocket and unlocking the doors. “This is mine.”

Alfred’s jaw dropped to the ground.

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(tbc)